Well I know I haven’t really blogged in awhile but my roommate suggested that I write down my feelings because I can’t seem to say them out loud without crying, and what better time to do that than on TMI Tuesday? I feel broken. I should be having the time of my life in college and I am but I can’t get happy..I just feel sad all the time. I feel like my world is crumbling down around me and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I found out that my ex-boyfriend of two years is leaving for Iraq in November, which means that I won’t see him before I leave because he’s in Florida and I’m in Mississippi. This shouldn’t upset me but for some reason when he told me I felt like I was going to die. I couldn’t breath and haven’t been sleeping since he told me. I know that he will most likely be able to email me and that the chances of something happening to him are not as great as I’m imagining them to be but I can’t help but feel like he’s going to leave and I’m not going to ever see him again. I just want to hug him one more time. Be able to touch him one more time. I hate that I’m being robbed of that. It’s killing me. I shouldn’t be this upset. This boy cheated on me, had a whole other girlfriend while we were dating that I didn’t find out about until 6 months later. He sent me into the world’s worst depression that summer and yet I still can’t imagine my life without him. He was my best friend for those years, no matter what he put me through. All the physical and emotional pain that I had to deal with. I told him everything. He was always there for me when I needed him. The fact that that might be gone makes me too sad to bear. I don’t know how to explain this to anyone, which makes me feel so alone. If anything were to happen to him while he’s gone, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’ve talked to him everyday since he told me. Forgiven him for things I swore I never would, all because I couldn’t deal with the fact that I might not get the chance to forgive him if something were to happen. I hear songs on the radio and fight back tears because every word reminds me of something we went through. I won’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to deal with it now. Now on to issue number two. While at college I made a best guy friend that I started to tell more things to than I’ve ever told anyone, including most of my friends at home. I trusted him. He was my best friend. I did anything he asked, trying to be the as good of a friend as he was. I didn’t realize he was slightly taking advantage of that because I was desperate for a close friend like that. I needed someone here that I could share everything with and I could talk to about some of the bad things happening in my life. I introduced him to one of my good girl friends because they seemed to have a lot in common. I wanted them to hit it off, my intentions were for them to go to formal together. I was so happy that they liked each other right off the bat. We all went to a party together and my best guy friend and I got into a fight because he left me at the party. Didn’t answer his phone and made me think I was stranded. I don’t handle being abandoned well. He didn’t handle the situation well. He texted me a long apology about how he needed me in his life. He couldn’t imagine his college experience without me. And in the morning it was like it didn’t matter to him anymore. He asked if we could talk it out that next night. He then chose to hang out with the girl I introduced to him the week before. He did that two nights in a row. Left me waiting for a call from him. As petty as this sounds, I felt replaced. I thought that he should want to fix our friendship more than get the hook up with the new girl. I guess that the whole mentality behind most guys. I just didn’t think he was one of them. I asked him why he did that and his response was “I dunno I messed up”. I don’t feel like that is a good enough reason. That really hurt. I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know how to fix things, even though all I want is for things to go back to normal..I just don’t know how that’s going to happen. I can’t handle being hurt by people that mean that much to me. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but that’s just how I feel. 

(Source: lostcause4success)

But when I’m supposed to sleep, I’m like

(Source: yourhaloisslipping)